What is this site?
I used to love making websites in the late 90s and early 2000s when I was first introduced to the internet. Geocities used to be my main host, but I also tried other website hosting services as well. I built a website for myself, my class, and anything I could think of. It was always a hobby and I was quite unafraid of putting content out there.
As I grew older, it felt unnecessary to have a website. There are very valid privacy concerns and a lot of people don’t want to tell the whole world about themselves. But maybe for me the deeper reason was that I didn’t want to show the world who I was.
After moving to the US in 2010, there was a background embarrassment I used to feel whenever I used to go outside. It came from the feeling of being judged; for not looking like the majority race; not speaking like them; not understanding their colloquialisms; not being fashionably groomed or dressed.
This embarrassment is real and I feel all Indians have it. It comes from a long rooted colonial inferiority complex that’s reinforced by the Indian media and Indians themselves. Many Indians who are fairly well-settled in the US, consider “fresh-off-the-boat Indians” an embarrassment. I have found this to be more pronounced in the second generation of Indian immigrants (American kids with Indian parents) who hate Indians (see Indian Matchmaking for prime examples). But it’s not restricted to well-settled Indians either. A brief story to illustrate that point follows.
I had no money when I arrived in the US to do my master’s. Me and my roommates had to walk 1 mile to to buy groceries. We used to lug grocery bags up and down the various Greek streets, where undergrads would be having parties.
One day I had the genius idea that we could use our international suitcases to bring back groceries. They had wheels and would be easier to roll. So every time we had to go grocery shopping we would also carry these suitcases with us. We would be the off colour kids who were roaming a Ralph’s with some suitcases and a grocery cart. We were too embarrassed to transfer the groceries into the suitcases within the store, and we would sneak out into the parking lot to do the deed.
A fellow Indian friend from a neighboring university, who had joined at the same time as us, came to know about this method of grocery shopping. I expected him to applaud my brilliance, but instead he was furious at me. He said that I was bringing shame to Indians by doing such things. I asked him to politely fuck off, and we continued carrying suitcases.
So what does this have anything to do with this website? This latent embarrassment that I have carried, has stopped me from doing many things even before I verbalized the idea for the fear of being judged.
But now I am tired of hiding who I am. I am tired of being afraid of what people are going to think of me; of being judged; and of judging people. I will do what I am interested in, and show it to the world. Maybe you like it, maybe you will find something better to do.
I plan to do a lot of silly things in the coming months. I will keep what works and change what doesn’t.
Thanks for reading this.